Although sometimes it feels dangerous to dance by myself especially in large settings I honestly love knowing I can smile and I can have a great time. I didn’t feel weird at all about it. It was nice and I felt I was very considerate and calm around everyone in my surroundings. When I danced there in the crowd I can feel how positive everyone feels around my energy and I saw people (people who were complete strangers) smiled and it made me so happy! Even though a few approached me ; I knew how to let them know I was not available and not feeling I was hurting their feelings while enjoying my surroundings. I ended up talking to a few of them to explain to them I am not there to hook up but to dance and it was so many questions but not overwhelming. There was several people so curious watching me intensely from afar — I could sense it and when I was approached they asked me where’s your lover, girlfriend or boyfriend? I looked at a few who asked and I said “I’m waiting and celebrating the experience and sense of self”. It sparked curiosity even the host’s that evening was asking me “you shouldn’t be dancing by yourself -you’re beautiful but if that’s what you want to do then by all means enjoy your sense of self”. That was an amazing moment for me. I was thralled and I even said “thank you for respecting me”. I introduced myself to several of them that evening and even though a few who had wrong intentions.. — I knew how to right away.. -communicate so they’d understand that I did not want from them but still.. finding a way to let them know not to shame their feelings and that it’s okay to approach someone you like. There was a particular moment where an unattractive and attractive person had approached me with offers or proposals. And I instinctively could have said something mean or vain or take advantage of their feelings but I did not at all. Something that evening changed my thoughts that I could routinely leave something left unsaid and not get involved or I could go against the grain of my instinct and perhaps tap into that human emotion with that other person. Who knows —I could feel maybe perhaps they are having a problem or going through something. So instead, I had asked them what drew them into me because I was curious. (And this was way before I started dancing.) The responses did not startle me or anything and whatever level of uncomfort or how creepy the mannerisms were I looked past it and guided our conversation into a positive direction and outlook for them that theres nothing wrong with finding people attractive for whatever reasons but I think the reasons for finding someone attractive by objectifying them — is that the people you objectify; for a few of them as a reminder at least (to them)— that they are human too. I reassured them that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but that, that wasn’t the sound of reason for liking someone. I told them there’s a way to break through that surface by not looking at people that way even though it comes natural because we are human. I told them that inside each of us is hidden truth and once we are aware of our desires we can find pleasure in personal freedoms by either reinventing the way we look at something at surface level, destroying it completely or finding a new meaning -to aspire from it. I could elaborate more but those are private conversations to be kept whether they we’re being truthful or honest. I thought what was the key important role that evening was to make sure I executed an efficient and sentimental message that there is someone that will care for you if you care for yourself first and foremost (but you’re going to be that person for a very long amount with or without). I feel like the area where I live lacks that attitude but it’s relative to many places where its obvious —in most bar, show or club scenes — that there’s a lot of people that create their own problems espeically seen in alcohol or drugs in general but in that concentrated area I wanted to break that stereotype. It’s sort of dawned on me that having a form of artful communication is such an important role as far as implying, - a spoken word that could be short or a complex thought to enclose this figurative letter into their mind and hoping they received that message in a positive form of criticism. There are times where I do get selfish and I feel like its natural to not want to communicate with people we do not know or reprehensible when its unwanted attention but I always try my best to look into their window from the otherside to understand why do people feel certain ways when they are around certain people -almost auto-socratic but knowing I am not going to find the right answers or even receive one. I wanted to wrap around my head if I myself was creatiing mixed signals and if there was a blindspot with an unattended communication that I did not quite understand. There was definitely a personal goal at least but I am not quite sure what it was or what I could expect to hear from it. In that very moment, I realized something very important in the back of my mind and relative from words I soaked in months ago from my friend Jeff about art. And I remember him saying to me that refining realism or certain art forms he felt — it was easy to relate to people better if they visually could see it clearer within the art realm — that it, -it’s easier to palette or taste. But at the same token I am there residing in the present of my thoughts about how much I prefer complexity and abstracts because I feel you can grow from it much more whether you can grasp ahold of understanding something completely or not. To see someone constantly brainstorming made me think of the time I saw my friend David whose so immersed in his thoughts that you can physically see it and everything I was putting together inside my mind was an internal arithmetic formula on how I wanted to present,…and to calculate mathematically a success rate or a statistic based on probability of how well they were willing to assess something of very minuscule value… could be potential enough tap into John Stuart Mills expressive philosophy of utilitarianism (the happiness principle). Could I reinforce perspectives so long as it benefits the other person in the long run? …That’s all I could think is perhaps maybe that is selfish too? ..- I felt I meant well though in that prospect. There’s these constant changes I emulate through my longing of trying to live by this golden principle that silence is key and its always very inviting to have inside communication where being at each others levels is harmony. And where something said does not have to be said if it is felt at an equal intelligent level (*people not understanding at that moment but maybe in the latter or not even at all). There’s a holistic method to aiding certain weaker mental areas that I always feel where others give up —I feel are fixable without being self-medicated by substance. It might seem rather dormant or obtuse to anyone who does not know me to have that open outlook of possible but I do and I don’t understand why I think that way or coincide that failure is also an option even with trial and error. Whoo- that was a lot to say.
That same late evening the dj ended up playing Mariah Carey ‘All I want for Christmas’ and this girl approached me —we had a magical moment where at the end of the song we’re spinning round and round near the Christmas tree. We did not know each other. And that was fun too. Spinning around.. It was a nice break from being so caught up in my thoughts before leaving home that evening.I love being playful.
off of work and ready to goto comic shop soon boon like daniel boone
"ideally a great date for me would be me waking up cuddling in their chest in one of those swiss family robinson tree houses and all of a sudden that person puts their hands through my hair and tells me : " say you want to go zip lining in a jungle? there are flamethrowers at the end of the zip line. we can do anything you want with them"
ha, anything you say?